I Didn’t Mean To Do That! Impulsivity and ADHD
We’ve all been there. You take your kids on a playdate and everyone seems to be having fun… suddenly you look up just in time to see your child throw a toy directly at another child. Or, you are trying to take an important work phone call, only to have your child interrupt constantly. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone! Impulsive behavior is incredibly common in kids with ADHD, and we often hear the question:
“How do I get my child to stop acting impulsively?”
As parents, we don’t want to see our kids face hard consequences for their behavior. It can be heartbreaking to watch them struggle. We all want our kids to learn to *pause* and think things through… but truthfully, this is much easier said than done!
Let’s dive into why ADHD kids struggle with impulsivity and the best ways that we as parents can support them.
Why Do ADHD Kids Struggle with Impulsivity?
While most kids are impulsive from time to time, impulsivity is certainly more common in children with ADHD. Due to differences in their executive function skills, they often live in the “here and now.” This can make them a lot of fun! And… it also makes it hard for them to anticipate the future.
It’s essential for parents to start with this important reframe: our kids are not trying to disappoint us! Their brains are developing differently, so they need a different type of support. When we stop to consider what skills are missing, we can change our perspective to become curious about what they need to learn. We talk more about this and other tools to support ADHD parents in our free ADHD parenting guide: 6 Keys to Raising a Happy and Independent Child with ADHD.
Our Favorite Strategies to Help with Impulsivity:
There are several different ways that parents can respond when our children are impulsive. Let’s talk through some of the most common ones; keep in mind that your response will likely depend on the specifics of the situation, so these are different options for you to try.
Impulsivity Strategy #1: Give a do-over
In a do-over, the parent gives the child a chance to think through a better response and then practice that response. For example, if your child runs away from the table after eating, you might offer a do-over to come back to the table and clear their dishes. This is a great tool when a punishment or consequence doesn’t seem appropriate.
Do-overs give your child a chance to think through the best response and practice being successful. They also help our children understand they aren’t “bad” because we ALL need do-overs from time to time. (Bonus tip: point out when you need a do-over, too!)
Impulsivity Strategy #2: The Future Picture
Because of the way their brains work, individuals with ADHD often struggle to see the future picture, or what will happen next. We can support them by talking about how every action we take will have an impact. This isn’t a skill we would teach in the moment of impulsivity; we can work on this skill throughout the day so that our kids can apply it in the moment.
One way to work on this is to turn it into a game, giving your child different scenarios to “solve”. For example, “What will happen when you practice all your spelling words?” (I’ll feel confident, I’ll get a good grade).
Another example: “What happens when we throw our backpack on the floor?” (Someone could trip, I might break something inside).
We can also support our kids’ understanding of the future by connecting their action to a positive outcome. For example, you could say, “You hung up your jacket so now it will be easy to find!”
But what about consequences?
Generally, we don’t recommend punishment for impulsive behavior. But in some cases, consequences can be great teachers for our kids. It’s important to understand the difference between natural and logical consequences.
Natural consequences happen as a result of your child’s behavior without you needing to get involved. Many impulsive behaviors will result in natural consequences. For example, if your child gets a balloon at the dentist and rubs it on a brick wall, it will likely pop. You may want to rescue them by getting a new one, but let them experience the natural consequence instead. Keep in mind, natural consequences are teaching your child that their behavior leads to an outcome!
In some scenarios, there won’t be a natural consequence. At that point, parents may need to introduce a logical consequence, which is related to the action or impulsive behavior. Let’s think of an example: you ask your child to turn off their iPad, and they get angry and throw it on the floor. If there isn’t a natural consequence (the iPad miraculously is unharmed), parents can create a logical consequence. In this case, a logical consequence would be to take away the iPad for a period of time.
When your child faces natural consequences, avoid rescuing them. Don’t explain why it’s happening right away. Let them experience the outcome. This teaches responsibility.When they are upset, your job is to remain calm and neutral. Once things calm down, discuss what happened. Make a plan for next time. For example, ask for 3 more minutes when asked to turn off the iPad. Or do it calmly, so you can keep it later.
Keep in mind, if your child struggles with impulsivity, you are not alone! By reframing how we view ADHD and impulsive behavior, we can explore ways to help our kids. For more ADHD parenting tools that will change how you interact with your child, download our free guide: 6 Keys to Raising a Happy and Independent Child with ADHD.
The Childhood Collective was created by two child psychologists, Dr. Lori Long and Dr. Mallory Yee, and a speech language pathologist, Katie Severson. As child professionals and busy parents themselves, they created The Childhood Collective to bring parents simple, science-backed strategies to help children with ADHD thrive at home and school. They are also the hosts of the top-rated parenting podcast, Shining With ADHD. With a variety of online courses, podcast episodes, blogs, and social media, The Childhood Collective supports ADHD parents across the world. They believe that every ADHD parent deserves to find joy in parenting, and every child with ADHD deserves to understand their brain and love who they are.
